Study reveals scientists like to watch animals have sex

By Adam Turner
Thursday, 15 February 2007 16:19

Opinion and Analysis

Researchers studying the sexual habits of scientists have discovered that most scientists do nothing all day but watch fish, insects and various members of the animal kingdom shag their brains out.

Actually I'm that researcher, and my research consisted of reading Google News. Fish like men with big tails, spiders like to do it by romantic ultraviolet light and doggy style isn't actually a dog's favourite position. Okay, I made the last one up but I'm sure I could get a grant to find out for sure. Exactly how do you write a proposal from something like that? "I want to perve on animals having sex. Oh yeah, and I might take notes." 

About once a week some research project about the sex lives of animals makes it to the top of the news list. How many of these projects are going on? I suspect the animals might be gettin' move lovin' than the scientists - maybe that's the problem. I think they need to get out there all put all that research to good use.

It's not just the scientists I'm worried about. These stories wouldn't make it to the top of the news if everyone didn't read them. So what kind of sick perverts are we? What does it say about our culture that a story on horny fish ranks higher than a story on climate change. We should be ashamed of ourselves. We should spent less time reading about people writing about scientists watching animals have sex and more time searching YouTube for soft porn like normal people. I wonder if I can a grant for that?

UPDATE: Ten days ago I wrote about the disturbing number of animal sex studies that turn up in Google News, but I'm even more disturbed by the kinds of people who read my article.