Conroy announces end to Australian filter plan madness

Alex Zaharov-Reutt
Thursday, 01 April 2010 07:49

IT Policy - Government Tech Policy

In a stunning turnaround, Australia's Minister for Censorship, Senator Stephen Conroy, has just announced that his nefarious plan to erect a great firewall of Australia has been abandoned, with the Minister announcing he is 'finally listening to the people that voted us into office' and has issued an apology to all Australians.

Wow, are miracles ever possible or what! Australia's Minister for Communications, Broadband and the Digital Economy, the illustrious Senator Stephen Conroy, has announced he is abandoning his plans to impose mandatory filtering and censorship on Australia's Internet users and general population.

The Minister, who has been under sustained attack from Australian citizens, members of his own party including Kate Lundy, the Australian Federal Opposition, Google, Yahoo and the US State Department, has finally decided to wave the white flag and leave the Internet alone.

Senator Conroy said in a statement: 'After much thought and soul searching, I finally realised that I was voted in by the people of Australia, not by the politburo and People's Congress of China.

'It took me a long while, because honestly I thought I was voted in to impose my will on the people, whether they wanted my will or not, but I've very belatedly realised that where there's a will, there's a funeral, and I didn't want it to be my political funeral or that of the Labor Party's come the next election.

'My Dear Leader, and our glorious Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, had recently become increasingly agitated about the filtering plan, and kept coming into my office repeating the words 'programmatic specificity' over and over with glazed eyes, while also spouting 'fair suck of the sauce bottle' Tourette's style in fits and starts. It was the third most frightening thing I've ever seen in public life, something I'll only admit to now that I'm making a full and public apology and Mea Culpa to the Australian people.

'The second most frightening thing was seeing Kevin Rudd agree to my joking proposal that we build another Telstra as the 'National Broadband Network' and a dreamt up cost of $30 billion dollars to build it - but Rudd said 'nah, that's not enough, make it $43 billion, let me tell you, in answer to my own upcoming question, when Australians see our NBN and our Internet filtering plan, they'll be blown away so much they'll be sucking on the programmatic sauce bottle for the rest of their lives!"

'I didn't know how the Australian budget would manage the massive whack of a spending sum double what the Coalition left to us when we got in, but with Kevin Rudd having been so popular in the polls, I didn't dare argue - I could have easily been reshuffled as the Minister Assisting the Minster for the Environment and the Arts, Peter Garrett, and as the Minister Assisting the Minster for Climate Change, Penny Wrong, so I shut up.

'My biggest fright was the realisation that Kevin Rudd had put us in well over $100 billion of debt, but for similar reasons I've had to go along with the ride, and come up with ridiculous proposals of my own to impress Kevin, such as the filtering plan, but I truly see now how boneheaded a decision that has been.

'Australians, I hereby give you my solemn and sincere apology for wanting to censor your Internet under the guise of protecting the children. I realise now that I was simply grabbing for power and trying to impose socialism on Australia via the back door.

'However I'm now renouncing the idea of ever larger Government programs forced onto the people of Australia, and am becoming a New Labor Fiscal Conservative within the Labor Party of Australia, even if it means I might have to be the assistant Minister to Penny Wrong.

'Australians, can you ever forgive me? I'm still standing for re-election and I really like being a Senator. I've enjoyed the surging feelings of power that being a Senator delivers, and I like it.

'As of today, April the first 2010, my plans for an Australian Internet filter are now officially dead. Rest easy Australia - the Labor Party is truly looking out for you, we promise to never do anything so stupid as that again, although knowing us we'll probably still come up with stupid ideas from time to time - it's in our blood.'

Thus ended the Minister's extraordinary statement, one I'd never thought I'd see, let alone on the first day of the fourth month of the year, April 1.